2010

I went to Borders tonight and bought some new staff paper. While I am emotionally attached to my first music journal (A high school present from a close friend, now my husband) and don't want to fill it up, I emotionally avoid my loose staff paper (transposing and ear training relived), and really have no clue where it all ended up when we moved in July. I decided I'd looked hard enough and bought new staff paper.
Walking through the store and smelling all those books brought back strong memories of this time last year. So much has happened over the past 12 months, it is a bit over whelming. I feel like the same me who lived last year only completely different. Last December I had no plans to run any shorter ultras or try to get on the 100k USA Track and Field Team. By April, I had placed 3erd in the National Championship and was only an announcement away from being on the USATF 100k team for 2010. So crazy. I wanted to achieve this goal. I never imagined it before February and never expected it so fast. I also never imagined I would be injured for as long as I have been. So close and yet so far. All the things that 2010 held ready for me to put on have been hard blessings. Mental training. Character building. And completely unexpected.
I remember browsing Barnes and Nobles last December feeling lost, even hopeless. I picked up a book, flipped through, and something inside me said, "Don't waist your time. Its hopeless." So much of me believed that little voice. And I gave up. But I still ran. I trained, cleaned, cooked, smiled and I was fine...at least that's what I told myself. I have such a good life. So much to be thankful for. So many things I love are tangible and feel-able. Why waste thoughts on things I know are out of my control? Just live. I lived. Only God is bigger and more beautiful then the mountains I love so much. And His love is fierce.
I'd have to say I entered 2010 broken. As I sat broken I saw so much. I changed so much, moved so much and did nothing. As I am leaving 2010, I don't think I'm still broken. Maybe I'm in a fire. Maybe I'm just hot and malleable from having been in a fire. As hard as it is for me to feel soft and weak and unformed, I wouldn't trade the gift of this year anything. I get to start 2011 filled with Hope. More love, more joy, more peace.
There is such freedom in Hope.