tonight

Can't sleep tonight. Guess I have too much on my mind.

I am such an opinionated person. And driven. And stubborn. I have no problem disagreeing w/ a person. Our a group of people for that matter. If I don't see things in the same light as others, I don't see things in the same light as others. It should come as no surprise, then, that I've never been the most popular girl around. I'm fairly attractive, fairly smart, fairly talented and very opinionated. Maybe an intimidating package. I probably come across as a self absorbed know-it-all. Some how I forget- in my ability to enjoy differences- that not every one is the same. Some people don't like hearing what other people think. Some people feel like if we can't all agree then some thing is wrong. I make people feel like what they think is "wrong" b/c I don't think the same think. But I don't think they are wrong. I just have no problem w/ us seeing things differently. I even enjoy hearing why someone believes as they do. I like to be taken through the steps they took to get to where they are. But sometimes I can't get there. And sometimes I'm inviting myself into a place I haven't been invited when I try. I need to learn when to keep my moth shut. I actually dread talking to people b/c I don't want to be judged. I know whole heartedly who I am. The good and the bad. But other people can't look inside me and know. Yet they try. They listen to what I say and watch what I do and try to guess as to what it all means. Why do people do this? I am so much more then what I say or do.

If I wasn't so driven, I wouldn't run ultra marathons. Or even marathons. I would have never become a fast runner, either. I wouldn't have gone to college. I wouldn't even be able to read! I wouldn't be able to sing. And there isn't a chance on earth that I could have birthed three children w/o drugs. I would have left my husband years ago. I would weigh 200 pounds instead of 116. My house would be a wreak...... My life would be a wreak. So when it comes down to it, I like that I am stubborn and driven. In fact, it is the piece of me I am most grateful to God for. If only I was as hard hearted as my stubbornest makes me seem. Then I would be sleeping in my bed instead of writing a blog at 12:40am that in all likely hood will never be read. Only I am too stubborn to really want a hard heart. I want a soft, loving heart. I want to have the guts to put my real self out there where I might be shot down. I don't want to hide behind a hard heart. I don't want to become a hard heart.