Race report

I wanted so bad to have a great race. I trained well. Worked hard. Tried to eat right. But today just wasn't my day. I should have admitted this days ago. My mind was beat up and worn done. Racing any distance- really racing- was out of the question. But I wanted to be tough. I wanted to over come my emotions and fears from this past week and accomplish what I had trained my body to accomplish. Some how I thought I would be able to do it. I was just going to run. Hard. I know my body was ready. I had proven that to myself well in training. So I found myself standing at the starting line at 7:00am, my body feeling great, and mind full of hope over racing this marathon. The first mile passed easily in 6:29. About 10 seconds fast, but that should be okay. By the time I finished mile 2, I was running at a 6:43 pace. My legs felt good. My breathing was light. But something inside me was saying, "Just stop. You don't want to do this." I tried to turn that voice off for the next 6 miles. I kept telling my body to go. This is my marathon pace, I feel great. Just Go! But that darn voice wouldn't give. A piece of me was saying to stop. "Don't make yourself uncomfortable over nothing. Racing is nothing. You want to run? Great. You wan to run a marathon? That is just silly. You want to RACE a marathon. Now that is stupid of you. Just quit now while you are still feeling great." Around mile 9 I shared my thoughts with a running buddy of mine.
"I don't want it. I just can't find my desire to make my legs go right now."
"You can always recover from that," he said. Looking down at his watch he added, "We are right on pace. Just run with me and we will be under 3hours."
I ran with him for a couple of miles. But that darn voice in my head was being awfully persistent. "God, help me do this," I pleaded. "My desire to go is gone.... I want to work with all my heart in all I do for You, Father. Give me the strength to pour myself into this now. Let me be yours above mine." But I just couldn't get myself to push.
Soon after, I saw my husband. "Would you be made at me if I quite?" I asked.
"Your doing great. Just hang in there!"
So I kept going. Mile after mile I just put one foot in front of the other and ran. Every so often I would glance at my watch, see how slow I was going, take a physical inventory, realize how great my body felt and tell myself to pick it up. But it was like I had a demon on my back. Something was sucking my will to run right out of me. "GO!!" I told my body. "Just quit. You are way off pace now," some piece said to my will. But I didn't want to quit. "Yes, you do. You don't want this," I heard in my mind. I can do this. I can run hard for the last 8 miles in still finish well. "But that would be silly. You already are too far off pace to recover. Just walk off the course. Everyone has bad days. Just quit."
Some how I didn't quit. I never could make my body go, but didn't stop trying. When I saw my husband at mile 20, he gave me words to hold on to. "Go what ever pace you want. You are almost there. You can do this." I knew he was right. There was no reason for my to walk off that course. Mentally, I was having the worst run of my life. But physically I felt great. I just had to except that I was running what I was running on this day and let go of what I wanted to have happened. When I hit mile 25 I said "Go!!" On last time to my legs. Only this time I said it out loud. Actually, I said, looking at my watch as I approached the 25th mile marker, "On your mark, get set, go!" My watch read 3:08:something. I felt silly trying to get my legs going for the last 1.2 miles of this race, but I wanted to conquer my mind. So I ran. The clock read 3:15:something as I crossed the finish line. About 7 minutes for the last 1.2 miles isn't too bad. If only I could have gotten myself to run that for the whole last half! But I felt good about having crossed that finish line. Sure my time was far from where it could have been, but that made crossing that finish line much harder. Getting a DNF would have, in some ways, felt better then finishing so far off pace. Now I officially am a "3:15 marathoner"(Not that that is bad. Just... I could run so much better.) . But I didn't let that darn voice win! It could ruin my race, but it couldn't conquer me. HA!

Today I ran my 6th Marathon. I was so excited going into my taper for this race. The goal: run under 3:00, hopefully closer to 2:54. The plan: run the first 20 miles at about 6:43 per mile and kick hard for the last 10k. I was sooooo ready for this.
The reality: today was not my day.

Last weekend I went on a retreat with a singing group I am in. It was a wonderful weekend! I woke up early, had my quite time, drank some coffee w/ soy milk, went on my short runs and got back just in time for breakfast both days. I got to spend good quality time with my female friends, and just loved the whole weekend. When I got home Sunday, I heard the news. Ryan Shay had died while running in the Men's Olympic Marathon Trials the day before. My response was complete denial. How could a young, fit runner, who just months before ran a 2:14 marathon die while racing? And when I learned he had passed so early in the race (just past mile 5), my heart sank to my feet. I was so confused. How, why?

Things got more stressful for me when I learned he had likely died because of an enlarged heart. When I was in high school, I had arrhythmias in my heart. I had a whole battery of tests run and wore a heart monitor for weeks back then. My cardiologist diagnosed my with Super Ventricular Tachycardia. A mild heart arrhythmia requiring absolutely no medical intervention at that time. But I vividly remember his words during my ECHO 12 years ago, "Your heart looks health. Strong, but big. You have an athletes heart." Red flags were going of in my mind over this. Ryan Shay died, likely because he had an enlarged heart. My heart is "..big...an athletes heart". The term athletes heart popped up several times on Google when I searched for information on Ryan Shay's death. This was not what I wanted to hear 7 days a way from racing a marathon.

I made an appointment with my doctor to discus this. In all honesty my hope was for her to tell me I was being paranoid. But she didn't. She suggested I have another ECG and we compare this one with the one I had 12 years ago. Smart lady, my doctor.

Ultimately I am glad I had tests run this past week. All the results have been very reassuring. But this week took a toll on me mentally. I just wasn't ready to pore myself into this race today. I trained well and hard. I wanted my body to just take over, but my mind was having non of that. My drive to run hard was gone. So I decided I would just run, not race. Push if I felt like it, but just run to finish. I finished in about 3:15, and place 3erd. Just putting one foot in front of the other for 26.2 miles earned me 500 dollars. Not too shabby. And I have nothing to recover from. My legs feel great, like I feel after 20 mile training runs, not after racing- even a half marathon.

I am hoping my drive to compete will come back. But for now, I have closed this chapter in my running life and am opening the next...................
Look 100k, here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

San Antonio Marathon! Decision Made.

I have finally picked my next race. I will run the San Antonio Marathon on November 11th. Man, I'm not sure if I have ever been this pumped about running a race in my life! Here is the plan: Run the first 20 miles at a 6:43 pace and then start pushing if I can. And I think I can! Today I ran 13.1 miles in 1:27:59 no problem. It took all the will power I could muster to keep from pushing the pace, but my goal was to feel my body run 13.1 at my goal marathon pace. As soon as I hit 13.1, though, I decided to run a few fast 200s. Total time to the 14 mile mark: 1:33:30. WooHoo! Not only that, but I ran 9 miles on tough trails yesterday and then hiked for 2 hours w/ my kids. And on Friday I ran 16 miles (fairly fast) on trails. I am feeling totally ready to tackle this marathon! And if I bonk, then I bonk. I am going to go for a 2:56 marathon with the hopes of finishing faster then that!

Welcome Halle

All last week my Mac was out of commission. Oh how I missed my beloved computer! I almost kissed the Genius who handed it back to me. This is the 2end time I have had a problem w/ my Mac Book and the 2end time I have been pleased w/ how Apple handled my problem. Thank you to Apple for great customer service and incredible products that you know how to stand behind (and fix for free).


I am still tied for 1st in the gozone contest. Just over a week to go, so it looks like I will be one of several names in the drawing.


My good friend Rae had her little girl this past Friday. Her labor went so fast that the midwife was only there for about 45 minutes before the birth. What a God send! Everything went perfectly and little Halle was welcomed into this world in full joy by her happy family. I love that Rae took up her responsibility in childbearing and learned how to care for herself as well as her baby during pregnancy and delivery. Delivering a baby is a learned skill that requires preparation before hand. And even then a midwife or doctor is needed to help out. Sometimes doctors are need for more, but so much of that is in a womens control. At least over 90% of the time. I wanted the same thing in childbearing that Rae wanted. A healthy baby first and to birth my child myself second. Educating myself on pregnancy, labor, and delivery is the only reason I was able to achieve my goals through all three of my pregnancy's. It always urks me when people say, "you were so lucky to have uncomplicated pregnancies and deliveries." While I realize that there was some luck (or genetics) involved, the larger reason for my successful childbearing came from me taking an active roll in my health before and during pregnancy. My husband and I practiced- yes we actually did practice- labor and delivery. I learned non focused awareness (NFA) and other ways to deal with labor pains. I practiced yoga as a way to learn deep breathing, relaxation, and how to isolate and use specific muscle groups while keeping all others at total rest. Having a baby is hard work, harder then any race I have ever run. I approached pregnancy, labor and delivery like I would any other thing in life I wanted to succeed at. I learned how to increase my chances of attaining my goal, found someone (or lots of someones) to help me ( my doctor and midwife), made sure that my goals were understood by myself as well as my helpers, and recognized the valied possibility of things not going as planed. But I had a lot of peace in knowing that my Doctor and I had done and were doing all that we could to reach my goals. If I NEEDED a cesarean then it would be done in order to reach the number one goal of this pregnancy- the delivery of a healthy baby.

Wow. I sorta went off there. But being this is my blog, thats ok. Childbearing is something I feel passionately about. Bring new lives into this world is an incomparable gift from God. The memories I have from my three pregnancies and deliveries form so much of who I am as a women. Child birth can be so empowering. The bond I have with my kids because of the work I did to get them here and the respect I have gained for my own body through bearing them is incredible. It saddens me that so many women are too afraid to birth their children. But I still try to be respectful of their decision. It is hard b/c I feel like so many women would choose differently if they were educated about it. But it is also, at least some of the time, their decision on whether or not to get educated. So when my friends are all talking about epidurals and the crazy women who go with out an epidural, I try to smile and keep my moth shut. I honestly mean them no disrespect for choosing as they have, and there is no reason to try and make a women feel bad about a decision that can't be taken back.

GoZone days 3 and 4

Well, it is down to 36 people. I am surprised how fast some of the competitors feel off. Maybe weekends are harder for most people when it comes to working out. Today (Monday) will be my hardest day to get all my steps in. Mondays are my day off from running.

Normally I stay home and do house work on Mondays. Today will be a little diffrent because my older two children have dentist appointments in an hour. Then maybe we will go to the park. Yesterday the parks were still closed due to flooding, but I bet they will open back up today.

On a totally diffrent note...........
A good friend of mine is currently in Poland to adopt 3- yes 3-little boys. Today is their court date. We are praying that the judge will shorten the length of time they will be required to stay in Poland so they can bring their family home! They have been in Poland for almost 3 weeks now, with their boys, and are just adoring having their family all together at last. They have been waiting to bring those boys home for 5 months, and it is finally happening!!!!!!!!!

The first e-mail I received from her after she had spent her first day with her boys just cracked me up! I have a feeling our boys are going to be great playmates. And I know she is going to LOVE raising those 3 boys. God has gifted her with such a heart for mothering. Her desire to give of herself to her children is inspirational. Having her as a friend has helped me to be a better mom, and I am soooooooooo glad she gets to be with her boys now!!! I can't wait to meet them!

GoZone Contest day 2... and Running

I was wrong about the steps contest at my gym. More the 100 people are maxing out their steps daily. But can they do it every day for a month? That will be the real challenge. And in the rules it states......"In the event of a tie, the winner will be randomly chosen in a drawing." So I have a good chance of winning nothing. Oh well. I can still hope and try.


I ran 18 miles in 2:17:30 at the gym to day. After I finished a lady named Lew came up to talk with me about running. She use to run quite a bit, but hurt her knee over a year ago and has had to cut back. After talking for awhile, it seemed like her injury my have been a result of running to much to fast. And doing no leg strength work. I told her what I do to protect my knees and other joints. I also told her that it took me years to get to the level I am at with my running. It felt good to see her getting excited about running. By the time we finished talking, she was saying how she is inspired to work her way up to running marathons or even ultras. And she knows to take her time. I hope I keep seeing her at the gym often. Maybe in a few months she well be training for her first marathon!

I think the best part of running is being able to do something with myself. As a stay at home mom to three small children, it is easy for me to feel like I am not accomplishing anything with my life. I know how much my kids need me, but it can still feel so meaningless. Wash the laundry, load the dishwasher, put someone in timeout, sweep the floors, get someone else a drink, fold the laundry, make lunch, tell who ever is doing the potty dance to use the potty, help pick up the toys, unload the dishes, read 6 kids books 12 times each.......it is the same list of things day in and day out. Two years ago when we first moved down here, I was not doing well at all. The monotony of motherhood had swallowed me whole. I had lost myself in my children, and felt like I was suffocating. My soul was crying out to God for help. I wanted to be able to pour myself into something that had visible results. I knew with my brain that raising my children needed to be top priority in my life, and that what I was doing now would have long term benefits. But my spirit couldn't take it anymore. I needed to do something else- along with being a mother. Something that would make me feel I was doing something God had uniquely equipped me to do for Him. God lead me to Ultra marathoning. (how He lead me here will have to be another blog) I had already run several marathons and was a fairly good runner at most distances. My running ability was nothing too out of the ordinary- at that time my best 5k was just over 20mins and my marathon 3:25. Good times, but far from great. But I had never before considered running more then a marathon. Now the idea of digging deep into myself to find the focus and strength to prepare for a 62 mile race was exactly what I needed.

I was pleasantly surprised to see my body responding so favorably to the riggers of training for an ultra marathon. It seemed like the longer my log runs got, the easier and faster all my other runs became. About 4 months into my 100k training, I raced a half marathon. The course was super hilly and I had no idea what pace I would be running. But being I had pick an even hillier 100k, this half looked like a logical training race. My "tempo runs" at that time where 10 milers done in the 7:20s per mile. I figured, at the very lest, I could pull off each mile in 7:10 for this half. I crossed the finish line in 1:31- averaging under 7 per mile. And I had run negative splits! Being I was the 4th female finisher, I had also earned 60 dollars. Man was I happy! A few weeks later I ran a marathon in 3:17. And I had a bad day that day. My mind was so boggled over running 3:17 on a BAD day that I couldn't feel bad about having raced poorly. Winning $500 upped my spirits, too.

After the marathon, I jogged an easy 4 miles to brake 30 miles for the first time in my running life. My many goal was still to finish a 100k. I knew I needed to run over 30 miles at one time if I wanted to get my mind ready for a 100k. But those last 4 miles where killer! This is when I started freaking out over the idea of running 62 miles at one time. How could I do it!?! I would do it much slower, for one. I had run the whole marathon. But I had learned something in doing the 4 miles after: my body would not be running the whole 62 miles. Walk breaks would be a must. And the running I would do would be done at a pace much slower then my marathon pace. A good lesson to learn before getting to the starting line of a 100k.

I had less then 3 months to recover from this marathon before running my first ultra. Doing this while trying to keep my long runs up proved tough. Most of my runs were now being done on trails that closely mocked those of the 100k. And I bought a CamlBak to keep from dying on the trails. Texas is HOT, and those trails have no water fountains. But I showed up on race morning ready to give it my all.

It was raining that morning. For anyone who is interested, I have a full race report that I will post later. But for now I will say I did it. I finished. And I finished feeling strong. And I won. I am not fool enough to think this means I will always win. But I am fool enough to say it means I could win again. I asked God to give me a way to serve him using myself, and I think He did. It is my running. All of my race times are getting faster. My 5k PR is now 18:05. My tempo runs, while at 6 miles, are done under 6:30. And if I run a marathon again this fall I plan on breaking 3 hours. But my main goal is to go back to that 100k and do much better this time. I wan to see if I can do it fast, know that I know I can cover the distance.

Rain, rain, rain

I am wimping out again today. It has been raining for about 12 hours and I am going to go to the gym and run on the treadmill instead of outside. Honestly, it has been drizzling for about the last hour. Not REAL rain. The lightning stopped hours ago. I could run outside, but the humidity.........and the trails are closed due to flooding. And it is HUMID!

When I first joined a discussion board for ultra runners last year, I was freaking out over the idea of running 62 miles at one time. Someone told me, "Suck it up, princess, and run." This was just what I needed to hear. I had trained well and the only way to see if I was ready for that ultra was to go and run it. I often wish someone would tell me that every time I am turning to a wimp. But no one is here to sat that to me now, so off to the gym I go!

At least I will do my 18 mile run! (And the rain just picked up again...for real.)

GoZone Contest

The gym I belong to is having a contest. Who ever takes the most steps between July 20th (today) and August 18th wins 1,000 dollars. All we have to do is wear a little pedometer on our hip all day long and then up load our steps. The max number of steps anyone is allowed to take per day is 30,000. I figure as long as I take 30,000 steps a day, I will at least tie for first! I am pretty excited. So far today, I have taken 15,178 steps. My goal is to reach 20,ooo before 4:00pm. Then when Daniel gets home, we can go for a family walk. I really think I can get in 30,000 step a day.

What will I do w/ the money when I win??? I have no idea. I am fairly certain that I will actually receive the money in gift cards. This will limit my options for splurging, but that is fine by me! I also have a feeling that at least one other person plans to max out their steps daily- which means I will be splitting the prize w/ another person or people. But being this is a free contest, I am still feeling good about being one of even 100 winners. (I doubt more then 100 people around here will be taking 30,000 steps daily for a month!)


Off to take a few steps. Then maybe blog some more.

yoga picture

From someyoga in j...

My crazy boys!!

My kids (ages 6(f), 4(m), 2.9999(m)) and I where having a boring afternoon. I was suppose to take them to my in-laws house to play w/ their cousins, but the two cousins were napping. Being it was a hot day, I didn't want to take them to the park. So I peeked into our backyard to see about playing in the water. We had weeds as high as my shoulders and our grass was (no joke) knee level. With all the rain we've been getting here in Texas for the past month the grass has been growing fast. And the rain didn't let up long enough to cut the grass until earlier this week. There would be no water play until this yard was mowed!

Instructing my beautiful children to play on the half painted porch while NOT touching the gallons of paint or the painting supples, NOT playing in the grass (those kids have no fear), and to please yell loud if I am needed, I headed around the corner to plug in our electric lawn mower. I gotta tell you, this was scary! We have seen several snakes in our yard, along w/ snake skins. In all likely hood we have at least one snake living under our porch. And while I can recognize a harmless grass snakes, the big black snake looks like it could be dangerous. Walking through knee level grass had me wigged out.

For the first 20 minutes everything was going well. I could see my kids playing on the porch and they had only called me once to ask for a drink. Sure it was hot, but I was enjoying plowing down the weeds w/ my little electric mower. Some of those weeds were tough to plow! I had to throw all of my weight into forcing the mower forward and then pull it back over the same spot a couple of times to get the grass to cut. I also discovered 4 giant ant pills. About 30 minutes into the job I looked up to see no kids on the porch. Being a young, foolish mom, I continue mowing for another 5 or 10 before heading in to check on the kids. I have spent over half an our mowing my small backyard and I'm not half way done! Bummer!

As soon as I open the back door, my 4 year old son, Everett, comes running. "Mommy! Caedmon (2 almost 3 year old son) is painting our bedroom!" And that is exactly what Caedmon was doing. There were 2 gallons of Beher outdoor paint opened up on the floor, and Caed had a paint brush. The walls were green, the oak bunk bed was green, the wood floor was green, Caed's bedding was green. And Caedmon? He was looking pretty green him self.

I was peeved! Those boys knew not to touch the paint! What were they thinking? And I was pretty sure Caedmon had an accomplice. Carrying 2 gallons of paint from the back porch to his bed room, along w/ a paint brush and even the paint can opener was more then my brilliant and mischievous 2 year old would do on his own. Everett is always the brains behind their little operations. Everett, being 16 months older then Caed, has the good since to not follow through with his schemes himself. But he is awfully good at getting Caedmon to follow through for him.

So often I wonder how anyone can raise more the 2 little boys in one house. I love my boys and they are really good kids. They are usually obedient (this has been taught) and enjoy being helpful. But when they think they might get away with something (meaning any time I am preoccupied).......they will try. You would think I would have learned my lesson the time Seren (big sis) came to me in the kitchen and said, "Everett is pooping off his bed!" I thought I could do something fun and make pizza dough for the kids to each make their own pizza. But dividing all that dough into little pizzas took too long for the boys. Sure enough, Seren was true to her word. Everett, little butt hanging off the top bunk, was pooping, and Caed was driving through it on his riding train. This is why they have wood floors now. Why would anyone even think to do something like that? When they were younger it was even harder. Oh the stories I have about my crazy boys! Thank God those two are teachable!

tonight

Can't sleep tonight. Guess I have too much on my mind.

I am such an opinionated person. And driven. And stubborn. I have no problem disagreeing w/ a person. Our a group of people for that matter. If I don't see things in the same light as others, I don't see things in the same light as others. It should come as no surprise, then, that I've never been the most popular girl around. I'm fairly attractive, fairly smart, fairly talented and very opinionated. Maybe an intimidating package. I probably come across as a self absorbed know-it-all. Some how I forget- in my ability to enjoy differences- that not every one is the same. Some people don't like hearing what other people think. Some people feel like if we can't all agree then some thing is wrong. I make people feel like what they think is "wrong" b/c I don't think the same think. But I don't think they are wrong. I just have no problem w/ us seeing things differently. I even enjoy hearing why someone believes as they do. I like to be taken through the steps they took to get to where they are. But sometimes I can't get there. And sometimes I'm inviting myself into a place I haven't been invited when I try. I need to learn when to keep my moth shut. I actually dread talking to people b/c I don't want to be judged. I know whole heartedly who I am. The good and the bad. But other people can't look inside me and know. Yet they try. They listen to what I say and watch what I do and try to guess as to what it all means. Why do people do this? I am so much more then what I say or do.

If I wasn't so driven, I wouldn't run ultra marathons. Or even marathons. I would have never become a fast runner, either. I wouldn't have gone to college. I wouldn't even be able to read! I wouldn't be able to sing. And there isn't a chance on earth that I could have birthed three children w/o drugs. I would have left my husband years ago. I would weigh 200 pounds instead of 116. My house would be a wreak...... My life would be a wreak. So when it comes down to it, I like that I am stubborn and driven. In fact, it is the piece of me I am most grateful to God for. If only I was as hard hearted as my stubbornest makes me seem. Then I would be sleeping in my bed instead of writing a blog at 12:40am that in all likely hood will never be read. Only I am too stubborn to really want a hard heart. I want a soft, loving heart. I want to have the guts to put my real self out there where I might be shot down. I don't want to hide behind a hard heart. I don't want to become a hard heart.